Good Crying

Tonight was one of those nights when all of those bottled up emotions get released in a really good cry. When I was with a group of friends of mine, we all shared stories of what was precious to us. We cried for each other, for the pain of what someone was going through, for the joy they felt, and for the beauty of honesty and trust that we shared together.

As I was driving home, I was with one of the friends and I started to tell another story - the tears came again. After I dropped her off, I felt embarrassed for crying so much and revealing some of my darkest secrets. I thought about how she might see me differently, see my family differently, and I wondered if the words I told her would affect our relationship from here on out.

But why was I so ashamed my emotions? The image I had created about myself as being completely confident in who I was had become shattered after she knew how imperfect I could be sometimes.

In class, we discuss "personas" and whether or not we are ever completely, truly ourselves. After releasing all of my pent up emotions today, I can see the daily persona I put on for others, that I am confident in myself as a person. However, that is only one dimension of who I am. I am just as much confident in myself as I am insecure about specific things. I am just as well-adjusted as I am constantly plagued by confusion as to the situation I am in.

There is a desire to be seen as in control and confident as an American. Showing any sign of weakness is poor form and we need to be on top of things 24/7. The reason I felt ashamed of my vulnerability tonight is because I'm not used to exposing my insecurities. I'm so used to showing the side of me that is confident and well-adjusted so that when I show people my weaknesses, I fear that they'll never see me as a confident person again.

We can only be truly honest and ourselves when we are both the confident and questioning person, embracing both our strengths and insecurities as a part of who we are. By showing more sides of ourselves, we can come to understand each other on new levels.

What risk will you take today to show another side of yourself?